Too angry for sleep

So yes I neglected this blog for a looooong time. Mostly because I had a work accident and I was spending lots of time at hospital. Still having a treatment, even after over a year, will probably continue it for at least 1 more year. But this is not why I’m writing.

So basically the bastard is getting married. I found by accident since I deleted all his details from my phone. For you to understand my anger, let me take you back a year and a half earlier.

So this guy said he likes me and wanna hang. I ended up agreeing cz why not? We should give a chance even if he’s not that awesome. So I naively did. And he suddenly stopped talking to me as he is “no longer emotionally ready”. Ok fine whatever I didn’t speak to him anymore. Then a few months later he is literally begging for me to give him a chance. He said he was affected by his fiancee leaving him a year ago and he wanted a second chance with me. I refused. He insisted. I told him I’m no bounce girl for him, he swore he was over her. More than 3 times he swore. I stupidly said okay because you know, he maybe had a rough patch. Well after a couple of weeks, I enter the hospital in a critical condition due to a work accident, with doctors saying there’s a chance I won’t make it. However, during my 6 days at ICU then dayyyyys in my hospital room, he didn’t say hi. Actually I contacted him first and he said he learned what happened and cried. But he didn’t call or text to check on me. Weeks passed by with him not talking to me unless I talk to him first from my hospital bed. He did not visit as he “has a phobia from hospitals”. Then he vanished. I was mad, you see, because he acted so low when he was the one who wanted the relationship when I was telling him let’s just be friends.

Fast forward 4 months, he contacted me saying he has something urgent to say. I don’t want to see him because he did not have any minimal human decency when I was in need of him beside me. He insisted it was urgent, for days insisting, so I met him. Here comes his 2nd asshole move: he said he stopped talking to me because he was too busy setting up his new shop. Imagine this: I am boiling by then, it is no excuse and I am telling him that but he takes it all as a joke and laughs like nothing big happened. You know, no biggie. So I leave angry and cut all ties with him.

Until today, when a mutual friend posted that this guy is marrying… drumroll… the woman he said he broke up with a year ago and who he doesn’t care about. Now you say maybe they reunited. But then, in a second, my mind remembered small details.

He never held hands in public, always insisted we meet up privately. Despite him knowing that nothing is happening physically between us because I wanted things slow, he always tried to insinuate sex. He insisted we keep it “down and low for the moment, till we are sure”. That bastard was using me and was cheating on his fiancee with my stupid ass! And I was too busy caring for him to pay attention.

So upon realising how stupid I am and how used I was, I cried my heart out and now I am so filled with anger that I cannot sleep.

I wrote this post hoping I could have some rest and calm my boiling blood. But I am not sure how much it will work out since sleeping is hard when one realises how hard he was played.

I never really hated anyone. But this man made me hate him and despise him so much that I would rather save Hitler’s life than save his. I am not used to hating this hard that my eyes wouldn’t sleep even though I feel exhausted. If anyonehas any tip on how to sleep I would appreciate it.

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Disappointment

Maybe the worst feeling a human can experience is disappointment. It never goes away. It’s always stuck down your throat like an everlasting thorn. It turns you into a psychic, every move done by others is predicted, because whatever they do, it’ll lead to more disappointment. Never mind the promises, it’s a bunch of lies and fairytales, forget the “I’m different” every lover or friend said, they’re all the same, disappointing. However, the biggest disappointment is if you catch yourself still believing any word someone else said. That’s the worst thing you can do to yourself.

The worst kind of loneliness

Have you ever felt this urge to hug a person, cry in their arms and tell them all the bad stuff that happened, but then realize you can’t do it?

Today, I felt the need to talk to my mom, I needed to tell her all the bad stuff that happened, I wanted to tell her what is bothering me, all what’s been happening for the past 5 years, all the pain I’ve been suffering from. But then I realized that the moment I tell her everything, I will lose her.

Because, and I am sure of it, the ugly truth will make her regret having me and will make her consider me an enemy, a stranger. Just anyone but her daughter… And that… That is worse than the pain I felt.

Today, I realized just how alone I am, how much, despite being surrounded by so many people, I am lonely and alone… And that, is the worst kind of loneliness

And then it’s gone…

So there I am at this very painful part of life, where I see a very dear person leave my way, and leaving to a place far away. Although I have known that this person will be leaving 8 months ago, the way time passed by so fast, how the leaving decision never changed.

I wished with all my heart for a miracle to happen for him to stay, I even wished he’d fall in love just so he would have a reason to stay. Funny enough, he did, and she decided to leave with him… I prayed for God to make him cause me pain so I would be able to let go with more ease, but every time I felt pain, it was still hard for me to make peace with letting go.

How can a person let go of the person they trust the most…and love so? How do people make peace with the departure of those they love, with the fact that they will be soon a part of the past of people who will forever stay in their heart??

You didn’t fool me, I just chose to see you better

There’s a small line between being fooled and feeling disappointment: the truth. However, when we really like a person, although we know their truth, we choose to turn a blind eye to¬†avoid disappointment. The thing is, we hate disappointment from those we love, as it comes like a sharp knife into our heart. It’s a fact that the closer a person gets, the more their capacity of getting to us and hurting us rises.

I myself did this same mistake over and over again. I’d put my trust into a friend, pull all of my powers to help this person out, find time to see them no matter how hectic my schedule is, only to end up abandoned and used.

I only have one advice: better be burnt once with the truth and embrace it, no matter how painful it is, than having your heart stepped on over and over again. The longer you stay attached, the bigger the wound gets. Take this advice from someone who lost faith in others after putting too much faith in them.

Losses in life

Have you ever felt how easily life changes from one moment to another? Because its most important parts are altered.

People, mostly people. They change, they grow old, they go away, they disappoint, they take and give, build and destroy.

It breaks my heart every time I think about the number of times where people disappointed me. Especially those whom I entrusted with my secrets, my lows and highs, who used them to mock me, abuse of my heart, and make me feel like every mistake I made is 1000 times bigger. Even worse, those who only showed up when I was needed, but forgot me when I needed them. So many of those, right?

But what really tears my heart into shreds is the number of people who genuinely cared about me, and I didn’t know how to appreciate it, until it was too late….

Does anyone care?

I was sitting today alone wondering: would anyone notice my absence? I know a couple of people who would, because I am a part of their everyday life, because they are used to talking to me, not someone who is actually indispensable but they could rely on this person like a couple of others.

I thought of the many times I tried to test the people I call closest friends to see if they would notice my absence. Funny part is, I never took the test till its end. I always was afraid of discovering the answer. No, they don’t really care. It’s cruel to not know, even more cruel to know it. I always think: where did I go wrong? Why wouldn’t anyone notice my absence? Although I am always there for everyone, when they ask for help they always talk to me, but why do they forget I exist when I am not needed?

The answer is actually simple and we all know it: we behave as friends, but to them, we are considered as objects, used when needed, and when we are not convenient for them, they put us aside. Best example is when a friend very close to mine started avoiding meeting me after he started a very serious relationship. Funny part is, I was his friend before this part and I never tried to approach him in an unfriendly way, and he always talked about his girl friends who left him atfer they dated and about how upsetting that is. Should I blame his overjealous girlfriend for this flaw? Or him for not being man enough to know that friends are there forever, not just when he is lonely?

I realised that the next time I will make friends, I should never call any of them friend. Let them be just acquaintances.

The